Afterlife Ain't So Dark
by flo-bizet
Summary: Drabbles and short stories containing anything from fluff to humor. Chapter 9: Muraki attempts to rape Tsuzuki! GASP! What will Tsuzuki do?
1. Chapter 1

**Muraki:** -sigh- I knew your serious writing wouldn't last.

**Kalili:** Oui. However, mon petit psychopath, drabbles can range from serious to crack in 0 to 60, no time! That is why this is being put up! So Kalili can write little stories to her hearts content due to the fact that she dislikes writing one shots! Sadly, because of their shortness, my conversations with Muraki shall dwindle.

**Muraki:** Oh no, how will the readers (if any) live?

**Kalili:** Enough chatter. Let's kick this off! Viva la drabbles (assuming "drabbles" is feminine)!

**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka Tatsumi/Watari

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Anybody who said that Tatsumi had no patience obviously did not know Tatsumi. And anybody who said other wise, Tatsumi had one, and needed only one, rebuttal: he had put up with Tsuzuki for decades. However, their relationship was not the problem, nor the reason for the meeting of dire importance he set up between two coworkers and himself. No, the relationship that was the problem was Tsuzuki's with Hisoka's.

More specifically, Tsuzuki's sexual harassment of Hisoka in the office. Tatsumi had put a blind eye to these instances on more than one occasion and nothing horrible had come out of it. In fact, it actually had Tsuzuki coming in on time just because the man knew Hisoka always came in one time. Logic behind being more groping time for Tsuzuki. So yes, the secretary had not minded the occasional yelps, rather loud sexual innuendos, hearts flooding the office, or even Tsuzuki being flung across the room. So long as they were attempted to be quiet, cleaned up, or not landed on something important, no harm was done.

Let's look at part of that sentence again:

_… no harm **was** done._

"Was," being an indication of something actually being done to inflict harm before this sentence was spoken. Which was the subject of the aforementioned meeting.

Tatsumi paced up and down the small room, hands clasped behind his back only to come up to do his signature glasses adjustment. This had gone on for about ten minutes, and Tsuzuki was wondering if he was ever going to get yelled at. He was a man who wanted to get things done, by golly, and he had important things to do! Who else was going to get Hisoka so riled up that in the process of whacking him across the head he got a free grope?

Just as this thought passed through his mind and a goofy grin found its way onto Tsuzuki's face, Tatsumi's head snapped over to glare at him.

"I assume you know why you're here, Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi said in an unbearably slow manner.

"Um, yes?" Tsuzuki offered, hoping it was the correct answer.

"Good. What is it?"

Oh, wasn't expecting that one. "… Something bad?"

"More details, please."

Tsuzuki sighed and said, "I don't know." He was man, after all, and a true man can admit defeat when the time comes. Besides, perhaps if he fessed up to such a thing, the punishment wouldn't be as harsh.

Tatsumi slammed his hands onto the table and shouted, "You are here because of your constant sexual harassment!"

"But I haven't gotten any in over fifty years!" Tsuzuki protested.

"That is no excuse! Your behavior is unacceptable! There is to be no PDA in these offices from this day forward!"

"Okay, but what's PDA?"

"Public Display of Affection," Watari explained.

"Oh. But why all of a sudden?" Tsuzuki didn't seem to understand that he was digging his grave deeper and deeper with each opening of his mouth.

Tatsumi yelled, "Because it has gone way too far and I will not put up with it anymore!" He then furiously pointed over to Watari and continued, "Just look at what you've done to Watari!"

Seeing his cue, Watari quickly began to whimper, "I feel so violated!"

It took a while for Tsuzuki to remember how he violated Watari since Hisoka was his mission. "… Oh!" he finally said. "Are you talking about how I landed on Watari after Hisoka threw me and I accidentally grabbed his butt?"

"That is exactly what I am talking about." Tatsumi had calmed down a bit after seeing Tsuzuki own up to his crime.

"So, no PAD in the _office_, yes?"

"That is correct."

There was a pause before Tsuzuki happily said, "Sure, no problem! Are we done?"

"Y-yes." Needless to say, Tatsumi was very confused at Tsuzuki's cooperation. He could have sworn that the man would be kicking and screaming at such a rule considering how much he harassed his poor partner. Not that he was complaining.

As Tsuzuki waltzed out of the meeting room, Watari cut his "helpless victim" act and looked at Tatsumi. "You know," he started, "Tsuzuki is much smarter than he lets on."

"What makes you say that?" Tatsumi asked.

Not a second after he said that, they heard a "Get of me, you idiot!" followed by a loud crash. The noises appeared to be coming from the hallway.

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**Kalili:** Hope that was a good kick off. I know Watari just seemed to appear out of no where, but I did mention "TWO coworkers" didn't I? This was also longer than originally intended. (Two pages on Microsoft Word)

**Muraki:** So, how do you think this will do? Your comedy with Yami no Matsuei is a little rusty, assuming it was there to begin with.

**Kalili:** My prediction is that very few if any reviews shall come until I have published quite a few more chapters. However, I also think that is depends on how good the first chapter is.

Now then, there shall be no more final notes after this unless it is of great importance.

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with Muraki piñatas!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary:** Revenge can be sweet… but only if it's carried out properly.

**Pairings:** None

**Kalili:** Hyuu! I made Watari and Tsuzuki act like frat boys! Minus the drinking.

**Muraki's Two Sense:** You horrible person. –sighs- She's going down the road of crack. I apologize for not being able to stop her.

**NOTE!:** Watari is speaking first. I hope it makes since.

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"Is the camera on?"

"I think. Say 'hi!', Soka!"

-tired/annoyed looking Hisoka-

"Get that thing away from me. Can I go, already? I could care less about this whole plan of yours."

"Aw, why?"

"Because it's stupid? And you know my strict policy on my involvement in situations that fall under that category."

"He's sounding like Tatsumi."

"But Soka-chan looks so cute on camera! You know, I'm starting to think that whole 'camera adds ten pounds' thing is fake, 'cause you still look too skinny."

"I'm leaving."

-picture starts to shake-

"Aw, come back!"

"Tsuzuki! Quite running with the camera!"

"Why, Watar-?"

-ground shot before lots of snow-

"Is it fixed?"

-Watari's face-

"Yep!" –clears throat and begins to whisper- "Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the seven natural wonders of the world. What you are about to see through this window is at precisely 1:30 a.m., Japan Standard Time (1), our coworker, Hajime Terazuma shall descend the staircase to retrieve a glass of sake."

-abruptly turns to Tsuzuki-

"But he ain't dressed for the occasion!" –goes into a fit of suppressed laughter-

-back to Watari-

"That's right, folks! Terazuma is completely… naaaaakeeeed!"

"Hey, my watch says it's 1:30 now."

-camera turns to window with Terazuma walking down a staircase and is, indeed, naked-

-more suppressed laughter as he takes some sake out of the fridge-

"How much should we sell this for?"

"Why sell when we can blackmail?"

"True, but that would only benefit you. I would like something from this, too, ya' know!"

"Do you hear ringing?"

"Yes. Must be Terazuma's phone." (2)

"Who would be calling him this late with him actually being up?"

-Terazuma answers phone-

-shocked face-

-abruptly turns to window-

-pissed off face-

-phone breaks in his grasp-

"HOLY CRAP, HE SEES US!"

"RUN!"

-shot of feet running-

-oncoming ground-

-snow-

Tatsumi cut off the television in the meeting room and turned to Watari and Tsuzuki (the culprits) as Terazuma (the victim), Hisoka (a witness), and Wakaba (acting as comfort to the victim) watched.

"Now, explain to me again why you two were doing this?" Tatsumi asked as he pushed up his glasses, looking very exhausted.

"Well," Tsuzuki bravely began, "Terazuma has been taking the very last chocolate sprinkle donut for the past week! WEEK! And I knew it was just to piss me off so I wanted to get back at him… It was all Watari's idea!"

"Traitor!" Watari shouted. "Though, not as big a traitor as BON apparently!"

Hisoka looked up and merely said, "Consider that my revenge for you two waking me up at midnight just to peep into Terazuma's house!"

"We thought you might have fun," Tsuzuki said. Hisoka just stared at him.

"I'm more concerned as to how those idiots knew I did that!" Terazuma yelled, Wakaba patting his back. "It's obvious they've been doing it for a while! God, I feel like some chick!"

"Don't flatter yourself!" Tsuzuki said.

"Then how did you know about his… 'routine'?" Tatsumi asked.

"Ummm, I'm not allowed to reveal my source-"

"It was Saya and Yuma," Hisoka said.

"How did you know? We didn't tell you that!"

"I guessed."

"Alright," Tatsumi said. "That's all the information I need" (or does he mean "want?") ", so you all may return to work."

After everyone filed out, unusually quiet, Wakaba scurried back in and whispered to Tatsumi, "How much for the tape?"

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1.) I seriously looked that up on Wikipedia.

2.) Let's just pretend that one can hear a phone from inside a house when one is outside said house, okay?

**BROWNIE POINTS FOR WHOEVER CAN GEUSS WHERE I GOT THE INSPIRATION FOR THIS! ANYBODY WHO GREW UP WATCHING CARTOONS IN THE MID OR EARLY 90'S SHOULD HAVE SOME CLUE!** –points enthusiastically to self-


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary:** A question that is soon to be answered. Or at least theorized.

**Pairings:** Multiple or none, depends on how you look at it.

**Kalili: **-_moaning on the couch_- I think that last bit of turkey was baaaaad. –_covers_ _mouth to keep from throwing up_-.

**Muraki's Two Sense: **-_reading the newspaper_- I'm not going to get you any medicine because you won't learn anything if I do. **As for your readers, this chapter is going to be the start of a short multi-chapter series that I think I might enjoy very much so, and I hope that all of you do the same.** –_creepy smile_-

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Throughout history, there have been many questions asked that have not had a clear answer. These have varied from those of science to those of everyday life, such as "Can liquid diamond be made and if so, what temperature would be needed?" or "Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?"

But perhaps one of the most unclear questions is one in that has not appeared in any text book or crappy internet site. No, this question, to my knowledge, has not been discussed on a single forum nor debated in the halls of Oxford.

Who can top Muraki?

TBC

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	4. Chapter 4

**Summary:** A little Christmas fic.

**Pairings:** TsuzukixHisoka

**Disclaimer:** I did not right "Twas the Night Before Christmas."

**Note:** I know the whole "topping Muraki" thing was last chapter, but this is the holidays and I really wanted to write this. If it helps, I have a cold and my Grandmother is visiting and she keeps insinuating that I am fat. –growls-

**Muraki:** Make her go away! She keeps commenting on how I look "unhealthy" because of my complexion!

**Kalili:** Be a man and bit the bullet! As for the rest of you, enjoy the story!

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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Though no stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

Because Hisoka Kurosaki had no clue St. Nick would be there.

But he was still , nevertheless, nestled all snug in his bed,

While visions of a massacred Muraki danced in his head.

And doors all locked, windows left not a crack,

As he settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out in his living room arose such a clatter,

He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.

Away with a fire poker he flew like a flash,

Prepared to throw down, (now isn't that brash?).

Once into the living room, he stopped rather short,

For he found such a sight, of which he could not retort.

He saw a small man, plump yet quick,

However, Hisoka knew not that this was St. Nick.

In all honesty, we really can't be angry for what happened then,

I mean, he was covered in soot, and Hisoka did count to ten.

Anyway, it wasn't long before poor Santa was down,

From a blow to the head (he had a lump large and round).

Hisoka was then just about to call for some "help,"

When he suddenly turned back after hearing a puppy yelp.

"'Soka-chan!" it mewled, "have you no soul?

Do you realize that now every Christmas you'll get coal?"

"Tsuzuki, what the hell?" was what Hisoka said,

"Do YOU not realize the lard ass isn't even dead?"

"That's not the point, oh, can't you see?

You've ruined Christmas for both you and me!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, so just shut up,

I have better things to do than please an annoying pup."

But before Hisoka could say one more thing,

The heavens opened up and the angels began to sing. (1)

Light shone down on the unmoving man,

And slowly, so slowly, he started to move his hand.

The movement continued from his head to his foot,

And he then shook off all the ashes and soot.

Upon closer inspection they say his dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

However, none of this mattered to our cute little empath,

He took up the fire poker to give him another good whack.

"Now hold on just a minute," the fat old man said,

"I'm a shinigami, too, so there's nothing to dread!"

Tsuzuki sighed as he began to explain,

"Thank gods you're okay or that would've been a pain!

Hisoka, you see, doesn't know of your existence,

I meant to tell him before this little visit!

Anyway, Hisoka, this is St. Nick,

He's part of the Ministry, and can do tricks! (2)

But he works with the children to ensure that they're happy,

Which makes their spirits grow to be healthy and not crappy.

And to reward the rest of the Ministry's hard days,

He comes every year to give presents to Tatumi's slaves."

"Ooookay," Hisoka muttered as he gave his shoulders a shrug,

His confusion made Tsuzuki squeeze him in a hug.

"I'm so glad, Tsuzuki," Santa said as he picked up his sack,

"That you were able to get out of my pack!"

And laying a finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

"What did he mean?" Hisoka asked, soon after,

Tsuzuki just scratched his nose and released a bit of laughter.

"Well you see, Soka-chan, it's really quite clear,

I came in his pack because I'm your Christmas present this year!

And wouldn't I look marvelous inside a hanging sock?

Or underneath the Christmas tree with a ribbon 'round my-" (3)

"THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Quick as a flash, Tsuzuki grabbed for his wish,

Which was to give Hisoka a sweet Christmas kiss.

And they didn't hear Santa exclaim as he rode out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

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1.) And that is where we start to get into my secret stash of Christmas crack!

2.) -_Ba dum bum_- I started to run out of words. Can you tell?

3.) That was something I got from a web site. All rights go to (specifically "Emmy's Christmas Present").

**Kalili:** Well, THAT took forever and a day… if forever and a day was an hour…

**Murkai:** And your Grandmother is still here. What say you and I fix some egg nog?

**Kalili:** YAY! **HOPE EVERYONE HAS A HAPPLY HOLIDAY! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary:** The continuation of "Who can Top Muraki?"

**Date Written:** December 29, 2006

**Kalili:** And back to what I started! I'm still deciding on whether or not to go past just Tsuzuki, Hisoka, Watari, and Tatsumi. What do you think?

**Muraki's Two Sense:** The more the merrier. And I just need to tell everyone reading this, that it is all that girl's own fault for getting sick so often. Enjoy the study.

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Before we begin this one sided discussion, I need to explain a few things on how it's being looked at. I am looking at two different ways to top someone: if both parties are in a loving relationship (…yeah) then fighting for dominance. There is also the already existing feelings between the two and I am not including amount of power or skill which shall be used in the third part which I'll explain later.

With the "loving relationship" part, it is understood that the parties have gotten over the bad blood between them and we are deciding who is the husband and who is the wife. In other words, who has the bigger balls. "Dominance fight" is if they were to get really, and I mean REALLY, drunk and decided to do it. A third scenario is added to some if there is no previous mention of the topping actually happening. This part acts as the only possible way this author can see it happening, but DOES include the other's special abilities and what not. Okay? Marvelous!

**Tsuzuki: **

1.) Tsuzuki could, in fact, top Muraki if he so desired. Let's face it, Muraki would take what he could get with him, even if it meant sacrificing his dominance.

2.) Now if we're talking about Tsuzuki and Muraki fighting for the spot, Muraki would get it. As we've seen, he could just break his emotional sanity and BAM! Top spot granted and Tsuzuki's man-virginity gone.

**Hisoka: **

1.) Is there ever a time when Hisoka is on top? Let's see, I have skimmed through many, MANY, fanfictions and only remember about three in which he was on top (not including the Hisoka/Hijiri fics), and all of those have been Tsuzuki/Hisoka stories. As for Muraki, well, in all relationships there is always a very slim chance of the weaker, girlier looking one to be granted a role reversal but unless Muraki were to be head over heals for him, it's not lookin' too good.

2.) Muraki hates Hisoka so damn much (so much, I have inserted "damn") that even in a drunken state of mind, he would NEVER let Hisoka top him. And Hisoka hates him just as much, most likely more, and would NEVER, even when on the verge of being so drunk that he could pass out at any moment, have sex with him in any way, shape, or form.

3.) Muraki would have to be passed out and Hisoka would have to be in such a pissed off mood at the guy that he would rape him while unconscious in order to get revenge. However, he would probably kill him instead of raping him if he was looking at getting justice. Perhaps rape would be insult to injury.

**Watari:**

1.) Bottom. Though I don't doubt his masculinity, he seems like the submissive type. Especially in comparison to a guy like Muraki. Watari could probably top Tsuzuki, but not men in power and act the part like Tatsumi or Muraki. Besides, seeing them in an actual relationship is seriously strange, no offense to the sudden appearance of stories with that pairing.

2.) Once again, bottom. I'm sorry, but I just feel like Muraki can hold his liquor and wouldn't be so easily made a submissive pansy (not that there's anything wrong with submissiveness, I mean, SOMEBODY has to play the part or else there'll be an angry mob of fangirls out there).

3.) An easily fixed problem, this is. All Watari has to do is make up some potion. Shoot, even something so simple as making his sex change potion work would do it! If Watari really wanted it, he could get it. I also see him as a man with determination.

**Tatsumi: **

1.) Wow, this one was difficult. As we have seen, Tatsumi can be pretty demanding and intimidating but is it enough to over power Muraki in bed? Well, in "loving relationship," they would probably have a long discussion of this and decide to switch off every other time they did it. So, 50/50.

2.) And now we take out the long discussion as previously mentioned in scenario one. Even more complicated. Well, a long battle would ensue, but in the end, Muraki. I'm telling you, he's just too much for even Tatsumi to handle! And also, there's the whole psychological thing. Muraki would probably somehow figure out that a few things about Tatsumi's Momma would have him on his knees. BUT, I'm not sure. SO, let me hear your thoughts on this!

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with me adding your opinions on this subject in a later chapter!

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**Kalili:** I kept your dignity, right? –_looks hopefully up at Muraki_-

**Muraki:** -_glances down from his throne_- You have pleased me. –_pats Kalili's head_-

**Kalili:** -_grins_- Hyuu!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary:** A POV of one of the people who interact with our shinigamis during their cases. (Don't worry, she'll never appear again)

**Date Written:** December 28, 2006 (added because I actually wrote one of these things a few days after Thanksgiving but was unable to publish it until quite a while afterwards, forgot about the authors note thing, and then everybody thought I was eating three week old turkey… I wasn't. It was just way too much turkey… yeah.)

**Pairings:** TsuzukixHisoka

**Kalili: **Damn, my immunity system SUCKS during the colder parts of the year! I've been sick for about eight days straight and have little to no appetite, which I guess is good because now I can stay away from the leftover turkey.

**Murkai's Two Sense: **I grow tired of your weak constitution and your whining for medicine. And I'm sure your readers (the few you have) do as well. You're reminding me of that brat. –_Kalili squeals with delight_-

**NOTE!: **Going by the English dub anime, and for those of you who hate it, there's a little jab at it. Just to let everyone know, I prefer dub for the mere reason that I am LAZY.

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Mimi glanced over her shoulder to the small garden as she hung the laundry to dry. In her sight were two guys, one older and hot and the other much closer to her age and pretty hot as well. But their hotness was not why she was sneaking a look. It was their actions.

For the past four days the two of them had been staying in her family's bed and breakfast under the claim that they were just passing through. They weren't questioned since it wasn't any of her parents or siblings' business and that was what a lot of people did when they stayed there, but for two guys just "passing through," they had already stayed too long.

There was also the hushed discussions that she would occasionally hear before she would go into their room to bring fresh towels. Her entrance always brought about an uncomfortable silence, followed by the older guy frantically waving his hands and talking nonsense with the cute blond looking ashamed to be seen with him.

Then there was the owl. She had no clue what was up with it, but it had been there one day and the next day it was gone. In that one day, she swore that they were talking to it and heard the thing responding with an annoying Brooklyn accent. Their excuse was that it was a toy that had malfunctioned, so they sent it back to the company. They didn't explain any further, despite her continual questions.

The oddest, though, was the sudden appearance of a guy in white that just came off as creepy to her. However, that wasn't what was strange. What was strange was that when she mentioned her meeting with the guy at dinner, the two guests seemed to lose it. The man immediately stood up and demanded all of this crap from her and the kid looked like he was about to pass out from shock. A few minutes later they both went back to normal and acted as though nothing had happened. The rest of the guests and family followed suit, leaving Mimi stupefied.

Mimi was the only one suspicious, though, and after mentioning all of this to her parents, she had been scolded for being nosy and sent to do the laundry.

This sucks, she thought to herself as she glared at the guests. She was being immature in blaming them, but she was pissed and felt she had every right to.

Did they say they were brothers? she continued to think. They don't look it. Blond and brunette, pale and tan-ish, green and purple… I wonder if that's natural? Whatever, there is no way they're related. Then again, there's always adoption. And I have seen family's with a red head while the others are blond. I don't know, but there's something bugging me about them… Hang on, could they-?

"Excuse me, miss?" the older one said, popping up out of nowhere causing Mimi to squeak in surprise. As the guy "eeped!" in response, the younger one inched over to the laundry basket.

"Y-yes, sir?" Mimi stuttered as she tried to get her heart rate down and her cheeks from turning redder.

"Well, I was just wondering if you would like a hand?" the man continued as he seemed to be trying to steer her away from the basket. "That looks like an awful lot of work and I would like to earn my stay here. If you don't mind, of course!"

Giving him a cheery smile, Mimi said, "Oh no! I couldn't possibly ask you for your help, Mr…?"

"Ah, Tsuzuki! Call me Tsuzuki. And this is Hisoka!" Tsuzuki quickly grabbed the poor boy and squashed him against himself. Hisoka, in turn, popped him across the head.

"Would you let go of me?" he hissed.

Eyes wide, Mimi forced out a giggle and, as she twirled around, snatched up the laundry basket. "You two are such _brothers_! Ah ha ha ha!" With her peripheral vision, she looked a bit over her shoulder again to catch Hisoka scowl at her for some reason. That wasn't what she was looking for, though. "Now go on and relax! That's what you're here for, right?" Passin' through my ass.

As Mimi began hanging the sheets on the second laundry line (1), Tsuzuki and Hisoka went the other way after excusing themselves. It wasn't too difficult to hear them whispering to each other. What was difficult was hearing what the actual words were. It was killing the girl.

But she was temporarily distracted by some of the bed sheets with strange stains she must had missed in her scrubbing.

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Dinner was a time of observation for Mimi and afterwards, she was amazed at how she had missed everything. The two were so obviously flirting the entire time that it ashamed her for not noticing. Tsuzuki was constantly force feeding Hisoka (the kid seemed to really need it, actually) while spouting off comments to insinuate deeper meanings.

Example 1: Aw, come on, Hisoka! I know you can open your mouth bigger than that!

When asked by her mother if she was feeling alright since her cheeks had been red all through dinner, Mimi said that it must had been the atmosphere. That got some weird looks.

It was two in the morning as Mimi walked back down the long hallway from the bathroom, still think about the sexual innuendos at dinner (Example 2: Soka can be in control later! I promise!). She hadn't been able to sleep at all, so many thoughts were going through that girls head a mile a minute. Sure, she knew tons of gay people and couples at school, but this was a possible pedophilic relationship going on in her house! She only read those things in her secret comic book stash. But she still wasn't sure whether she should have been turned on (for lack of a better phrase) or creeped out. The Tsuzuki guy was in his mid-twenties and Hisoka was a teenager. Should it be allowed as long as they were hot?

Shrugging it off and telling her mind to get out of the gutter, Mimi made her way up the steps. As she passed by the seemingly endless part of the guest rooms, she heard a high pitched type of scream. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at the door it came from.

Was that a scream? She thought. What else would it be? Holy crap, is there someone in the house about to kill everyone! Aw man! What the hell do I do! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Chill. You're probably wrong, now open that door and see if the guest is okay. It's your job. Besides, maybe if it's opened a crack, the killer won't notice.

Slowly opening the door, Mimi was given a scene that she had no clue as to how to react. It was not, in fact, a psychopath about to slaughter someone. Not even a robber. If anything, she saw a rapist.

On one of the two beds, Tsuzuki was positioned between Hisoka's legs, head in the crook of his neck. Hisoka, meanwhile, was making small little whimpers, his hands buried in Tsuzuki's hair. Both of their hips were grinding against each other as if trying to rub the other's pants off. That's about as far as Mimi got before closing the door.

She paused and reflected.

She then threw back open the door and looked again. The pedophile and his boy were now frozen in their act and looking at Mimi, who just looked back. Her face lit up a bright red and felt as though it was going to catch fire when she saw Tsuzuki's hand down Hisoka's pants: the apparent cause of the scream.

Shutting the door and leaning against the opposite wall in the hall, one of Mimi's eyebrows shot up in deep concentration. Perhaps she could convince her dad to put in security cameras, that is, if they didn't already have them. She could make a hell of a lot more money from that than working for her parents. Speaking of parents, they were coming in her general direction.

"Mimi!" her father whispered/yelled. "Did you hear that scream?"

"Yes," she slowly said.

"Well, what was it?" her mother asked. "Is anyone hurt?"

"No… One of the guests saw a, uh… cockroach." Why did she have to say cockroach?

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Needless to say, the next morning she got into trouble for breaking one of the shelves she was standing on while looking for hidden cameras and was sent to do the laundry again. This time, though, no help was offered from their two odd guests who ran off mumbling something about a breakthrough. That was perfectly fine with her since she didn't know how well she would hold up talking to them after that night.

Just as she was about to question where some of the bed sheets were, a familiar creepy voice said, "Excuse me, miss, but are there any free rooms in your adorable little bed and breakfast?"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**1.)** I still see people hanging laundry to dry. It makes it smell wonderful, especially in the spring!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary:** And now we get to spend a day with Muraki.

**Date Written:** January 11, 2007

**Kalili: **Uuuh, my back is killing me! Too many damn books for this semester!

**Muraki:** Or maybe it's you hunched over the computer for hours on end working on your so-called "novel".

**Kalili:** … Maybe. And what do you mean "novel"? Give me a break, I'm 17! And FYI, I am just writing the rough draft! The revisions shall be made when I am older and wiser (and if I'm still interested in the idea).

**Muraki:** Oh, you know what? Nobody cares. (**Kalili:** -_sitting in a dark corner_-)On a brighter note, this chapter is about yours truly again. I guess I can raise my opinion of this girl a notch or two. –_gets glomped by Kalili_-

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

6:00 a.m.

Another day, another opportunity. That's what I think every morning. "Opportunity," of course, meaning many different things, of which you, the reader, are probably already aware of. So I shall not go into it.

On a normal day, I get up and eat breakfast like any other normal person in this world. After reading the paper, I get dressed and leave promptly for work at 6:30 a.m., just enough time to stop and smell the roses (and maybe pick a few) on my way to the hospital.

12:00 p.m.

Life at work is rather normal and quite predictable. The thrill of finding our what ails a person or how on earth they were able to survive certain death situation left me after the first year. I use this time to observe my patients rather than solely heal them. I get many new ideas that way. But I sound selfish doing this, don't I? Not true, my dear observer. I am doing all of this for my precious shinigami. Keeping their wits sharp.

Noon is my normal lunch hour, but today I have to skip it in order to call tech-support about my computer. I think I might have over loaded it with too much information (notes on Meifu, cloning experiments, Tsuzuki, curses, latest killings, much too much).

"Hello, you have reached Dell tech-support," the man says with a strange accent. "How may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I was typing up some research when everything just shut down," I say. "I've tried restarting it and different circuits, but nothing happens."

"Is your monitor on?"

"… No, nothing is on. It doesn't start."

"Hmmm, how very strange. Is your computer plugged in? I cannot tell you how many times this mistake has happened! Funny, funny stories!"

"I'm sure they are, but YES, it's plugged in!"

"Perhaps I should contact one of my fellow workers. They might know what the problem is."

"Shouldn't you?"

"I shall contact them right away… How is they weather there?"

"I am NOT about to start small talk with you. I am above such things. Just tell me what is wrong with my computer, or something! I have many important programs on there that cannot be lost! Do you understand?"

"Yes, but I just told you I am contacting a person with more knowledge than I. Now you can either wait patiently or call back later. How is the weather there?"

"… Fine."

"I see… This is taking a long time, isn't it?"

"No, but how long exactly will it take?"

"Six to eight hours."

"Six to-? What the fuck?"

"Do not take that tone with me, sir, or I will be forced to call security."

"Okay, one: we're on the phone! What the hell is security going to do to me? And two: Why am I talking to you and not whoever is smarter than you in the first place? Why don't they have THAT person answering the phones?"

"Because you cannot handle the truth!"

"… Did you just quote 'A Few Good Men'? Where the hell are you?" (1)

"Thank you for calling Dell tech-support, please call again later with all your computer problems." And the bastard hung up on me.

Sighing, I left the office making a mental note to buy a new tower and monitor some day this week. Luckily, not all of my files where only saved on the computer, just the most recent ones. Still, I was hoping to start my latest serial killings tonight. You can't always get what you want, though.

Another memo to myself was to go to India (I'm guessing from his accent) and track down the Dell tech-support hotline in order to kill everybody there.

4:00 p.m.

Since today is Wednesday, I leave the hospital temporarily and go to a different type of doctor. This one is my personal psychiatrist. Oriya insisted I go see him once every week for some reason. I say "for some reason" because I thought that Oriya knew I wasn't about to let some head doctor change my life. I've read the same books they have to read and know exactly how to fool them.

"Good afternoon, Muraki," he says as I walk in and take a seat on the couch. "Any eventful happenings today?"

"Not particularly," I answer. "I did have to put up with some annoying tech-support man from India. I now am planning a vacation there to kill him and everybody who works there."

"Oh, I see. So he made you angry or frustrated?"

"Hmm, more frustrated. I wasn't able to retrieve my files."

"Mm-hm." And there goes the pen.

If you haven't figured it out already, I tell my doctor my homicidal thoughts quite often. Why? In the beginning (about three months ago), it was an experiment of my own. I was seeing if I would tell him about my urge to kill and what-not, he would a: believe me and call the cops, or b: just think I'm crazy if I give him the correct symptoms. And what do you know? I was right. He does think I'm just crazy in a non-killing fashion.

However, I also think it is because of my history. From what I understand, due to me not killing my patients and Saki trying to kill me, he feels that I am merely imagining my killing people and confusing it with real life. He must have just barely passed through college. He's very youthful and feminine looking, not to mention naïve. He's told me that he believes everybody is good and that nobody is pure evil. I swear, he's just begging me to kill him.

"Do you think that you were maybe too harsh on the tech-support man?" he asks.

"I suppose," I answer again absent-mindedly. I'm trying to figure out a good time to squeeze him into my schedule.

"Have you had any dreams about your family lately?"

"Yes. It's the one about Saki." I'm lying. But to get some extra sympathy from this kid, I turn my head just slightly away. I have to admit, that brat always being around Tsuzuki and angsting has actually been a bit useful.

"This has been happening an awful lot lately, right?" I nod. "Could this time of year have anything to do with it?"

"Probably. My mother and I used to go and start tending to the garden about now. It's one of my happier memories. Perhaps that is why I'm dreaming of Saki? Because he took her away?" (2)

"I bet you're right, Muraki. I must say, I'm very proud of you! You're starting to get a better handle on reality and your emotions!"

"Thank you." Next week sounds good.

2:00 a.m.

I was forced to work late tonight because of some guy with a golf club in his head came in. This only amused me for a minute or two. I was extremely tired afterwards and wasn't in the mood to kill anybody. Well, it wasn't so much that as it was having to wash the blood off my clothes afterwards that sounded tedious. Not to mention I was running low on oxi-clean.

So after eating a bowl of cold noodles, I fell into bed and went to sleep awaiting the next day and what opportunities it should bring, since it didn't have any today.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**A/N: **See? Even Muraki has days where nothing seems to go right! Even though he did get a new victim into his busy schedule.

Originally, this was supposed to be only a psychiatrist and Muraki chapter, but a story beat me to it and I didn't want to look like I was totally copying that author (even though our ideas on what would happen were awfully different). I like how this turned out, though, considering it was written in an hour and a half!

**1.)** I seriously saw on the news once a thing talking about how you are actually talking to people in other countries like India when asking about your computer sometimes. Common knowledge now, yes, but it also said that they learned English from movies like "A Few Good Men"! Weird!

**2.)** This was the first in a long time where I was laughing while typing.

**NOTES ON PREVIOUS CHAPTERS!:** Yes, the second chapter was a spoof from "Rocko's Modern Life"! Everybody who guessed correctly gets brownies once we are able to send food over the internet!

And on the subject of topping Muraki, I'll mention anything new that I hadn't already said if I do go into secondary characters.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary:** A parody of song fics, 'cause some of 'em I just go "WTF?" to.

**Date Written:** January 20, 2007

**Pairings:** TsuzukixHisoka

**Kalili:** Yeah, I just don't get song fics. I mean, the STORY in between it is sometimes really cute, but the song just kind of takes me out of it, especially if part of it is something like, "ooooooh!" Admittedly, this isn't as bad as I could make it. Trust me, I have LOTS of experience making biting remarks on things I find incredibly stupid, but I didn't on this because some of the fics are really sweet.

**Muraki: **You know, one day these authors are going to track you down and kill you… Please, everyone read the story!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

It was another peaceful day at work for Hisoka. Since Tsuzuki was even more late than usual, he was getting a lot more paper work done. Yes, he did wonder where exactly Tsuzuki was, but Hisoka figured that if he wasn't there by noon, he would go looking for him.

Just when he thought that he was actually going to finish Tsuzuki's work (that is, the papers that were due three months ago), in the man popped… with a stereo.

"Where have you been, Tsuzuki?" Hisoka asked. "And what is that?"

"A stereo," Tsuzuki said, grinning from ear to ear. "And I was gone all morning scorching songs onto a CD!"

"One, it's called 'burning'. And two, if you think you're going to get me to dance, then my opinion of your intelligence has gone down three points on the chart."

"Three!"

"Yes, mainly because you seem to think I would in the office, of all places." Hisoka promptly went to the "Tsuzuki Intelligence" chart that Watari had made and moved the line three notches down.

Surprisingly, Tsuzuki didn't whine. He had more important things to do. "I forgive you for being really mean to me, Hisoka!" he said. "Because the songs I have arranged for you will make you so happy!"

"You don't say?"

"I do say! It is a collection of songs that show my love and devotion for you!"

Silence.

"Excuse me?"

"Just listen!"

_People let me tell ya 'bout my best friend!_

_He's-_

"Okay, I'm stopping you right now. If this is supposed to be your 'love and devotion' why is the song about a best friend? Even more so, it was the theme song from a show about a FATHER AND SON!"

"I chose it because if you would LISTEN, then it would have gotten to the part about 'one boy cuddly toy'! How about this one, though?"

_Did you ever know that you're my hero?_

"God, I hate that song." (1)

"Wow, you're picky. Can't you just choose one?"

"Why?"

"So we can have a fuzzy moment in between verses!"

"… That is the most ridiculous plan of yours I've heard yet. How many times do I have to tell you that I am NOT going to make-out with you at work!"

"W-what? Whoever said that I had an ulterior motive to this? I just wanted to do this for the hell of it! Heh heh! Okay, one more try!"

_Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong_

_But he doesn't care, and strings along._

_He loves me so, that funny hunny of mine._

_Sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm up,_

_But he follows 'round like some droopy eyed pup._

_He loves me so, that funny hunny of mine._

_He ain't no-_

"I'm stopping that now, because it then goes into saying that the guy isn't smart, good looking, or gifted, and a lot of other mean stuff" Tsuzuki said. "You are, though! And the beginning was really cute and sweet. What do you think?"

Hisoka looked at him for awhile, thinking that the song should have been reversed when it came to who it was for, but decided against it when he saw how hopeful Tsuzuki was looking at him. Sighing, he said, "It was nice."

And so Tsuzuki glomped him. However, in his state of elation, he slipped when he said, "We should celebrate by making-out on a desk!" Predictable happenings occurred, and Hisoka soon left Tsuzuki whimpering in a corner.

Seeing this while coming to see what Hisoka did to Tsuzuki this time, Watari quickly grabbed his own stereo and pushed play.

_One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do!_

TBC

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**1.)** I really do despise that song. Sorry if anyone's used that for a song fic!

**A/N:** You read that right. I'm thinking of continuing this!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary:** What would really happen during an attempting escape of rape.

**Date Written:** March 25, 2007

**Flo:** Yeah, I deleted the previous chapter here and replaced it with a non-continuation of the song fic parody chapter. Why?

**Muraki:** Because it was the biggest load of crap you've put on here ever since your attempt at that murder mystery.

**Flo:** I hate to disagree, but I believe that that is a very good first attempt at a non-humor! You're just pissed because I make you look silly in this one! But no one can bring me down 'cause Flo is turning 18 tomorrow! Zam Zidamn!

**Muraki:** I'm taking away your Dane Cook CD, now. The rest of you, don't read this because it's crap! CRAP, I SAY, AND I WILL KILL EVERY DAMN ONE OF YOU IF YOU READ THIS!

**Flo:** Don't listen to him. Enjoy!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Tsuzuki was caught. He wasn't sure how, but he had managed to get himself alone with Muraki in a hotel room and pinned against the wall. As his mind boggled as to what to do, Muraki's predatory gaze traveled over his body. He licked his lips and crushed them against Tsuzuki's in a vain attempt to win him over. It did result in Tsuzuki gasping, opening his mouth. Muraki took advantage of this and plunged his tongue deep into Tsuzuki's… crevice? Into the crevice of his mouth, going all the back into his throat. (1)

At this point, Tsuzuki remembered his self defense classes with Wakaba on rape, and viciously bit down on Muraki's tongue. With a cry of pain, he backed away, blood dripping down the side of his face. He quickly composed himself, though, and with a smirk wiped it away.

He then chuckled and said, "Nice try, but it takths a wot mowe van tha tha sthopth m'."

Silence.

"Excuse me?" Tsuzuki said.

"I said, i' takths a wot mowe van… wha tha thuck?!"

Tsuzuki then started to bite his own tongue to hold back his own laughter. Muraki was currently sticking his tongue out and poking at it, examining it maybe. It appeared to be swollen, so much so that it looked like a bloody, pink pillow.

"Da'ith!" Muraki suddenly yelled.

That did it. Tsuzuki was doubled over, cracking up. He settled down a bit, just for this: "W-What did you say?"

"Tha sai' da'ith!"

And the laughter continued. Muraki was too pissed to do anything but fume. Not only was his precious laughing at him, but his tongue was now out of order. Oh, how he wanted to show Tsuzuki his skills. This was not his day.

Tsuzuki, meanwhile, had Hisoka on the phone and was still laughing. "Hisoka! Ha ha, Hisoka! Where are you?!"

"Outside the hotel," Hisoka said. "Where the hell are you?!"

"Inside it with Muraki!"

"WHAT?!"

"No, no! It's not as bad as you think!"

"What, is he raping you while give you cookies or something?!"

"No, just listen! Come up to the room, quick!"

"I'm already in the elevator, idiot! Geez, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Okay, I'm hanging up, no-ha ha haaa!"

Cut to Hisoka in the elevator, glaring at his cell phone. He sighed as he willed the elevator to go faster with his kick ass mind skills, even though teleportation was probably quicker. He had to save Tsuzuki. It was obvious that Muraki had given him laughing gas and was violating him in his high-like state. Evil bastard.

Right when the doors began to open, Hisoka rushed out of there as fast as he could, knocking down some little girl in the process. He then threw open the door after five frustrating as hell attempts at using the damn key card, and prepared himself to throw down with the doctor. (2)

The sight he met was one of unprecedented curiosity. Tsuzuki was on the floor but Muraki was walking out of the bathroom with tissues poking out of his mouth. Was that blood?

Muraki glanced over to Hisoka, and tried to give him his customary smirk, but it was rather difficult with a huge ass wad of tissues puffing up one side of your face. "Ah, ou'a."

Silence, minus Tsuzuki's chuckling.

"W-What?"

"Ah ai' 'ah, ou- o'amith!" The tissues, obviously, were making things worse.

And then Hisoka began to laugh. Mind you, a little more controlled than Tsuzuki, but still, the kid was actually laughing!

"What the hell happened?!" he asked in between breathing.

"He was trying to French, me but I bit his tongue!" Tsuzuki explained. "Then it swelled up and he tried to stop the bleeding with tissues!"

"What a dumbass!"

"Shu u'!" Muraki shouted. "Wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha! WHA WHA!" The words he was trying to say didn't really sound like that, but it didn't matter too much because 1.) nobody could understand what on earth he was trying to say, and 2.) they weren't listening.

Deciding to not let his pride be bruised anymore than it had in the last five minutes, Muraki swallowed his anger, and left with as much dignity as possible in a Darth Vader fashion what with the trench coat and all.

Tsuzuki and Hisoka didn't even notice. They were both rolling around on the floor, trading insults about Muraki's situation. Yes, afterward they were a bit perturbed that they let him get away, but wait until the office heard they're report!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**1.)** God, that was awkward to write. I don't write lemons, let alone ones with Muraki and Tsuzuki! –_shudders_- I fell so dirty.

**2.)** I've never had a problem with key cards, but everyone else I've known has. It's so funny, 'cause they'll put in it and try to turn the knob with it still locked and each time they're like, "Crap… Crap… CRAP!" I usually take it from them and get it on my first try which then pisses them off even more. So I of course had to have Hisoka in that situation!

**A/N:** Anyway, this chapter was inspired by all those rape fics where someone bites the other's tongue and the guy who got bit is talking up a storm about how they're going to pay, when I'm like, "Wouldn't the tongue swell up a fairly good bit if blood is spilling out of his mouth?" Hope you enjoyed!

**P.S. I WILL CONTINUE THE SONG FIC PARODY! I just need to find good songs. Help?**


End file.
